• Internet romance: Tell us what you think Please include details of your name and country.
  

I think it is good for people to get to know someone without seeing them. Sometimes you judge people by their looks. Meeting on the internet is a good way to know how a person thinks. The true self is spirit not physical. The physical body is temporary. On the internet you get to know the true person. There is the danger of meeting bad people but this is the chance you take if you meet people this way. You must take caution not to let anyone know who you are or where you live until you get to know them well. It's a way to meet people you could have never meet any other way. This can be good or bad! Caution is the key word.
Ronald Bockhorn, Southern New Jersey Good Old U.S.A

Although, I think the Internet is more "+" than "-", it poses a lot of problems vis a vis romance. I have met several men in the past year and a half, actually meeting about 10 in person [out of 200 on The Internet, approximately] The problem is distance and "real" vs. cyber space. Perhaps this is just one aspect of the problem. We are more apt to find compatible souls who live thousands of miles away than we are to find someone in the same town/street/state. I live in a small town in the middle of Kansas ...most people form associations for "life" in high school. People come back here to raise families. I just moved here a year and a half ago. The Internet makes life bearable for those of us who otherwise be totally isolated, but as for solving love life needs, I think it leaves a lot to be desired! It causes a lot of frustration to find a person you are sure you like, e-mail for several months and then discover that in person this individual is not at all what they seemed "online". I think there should be some "rules"... Like meeting in person no more than a month into e-mailing If this does not happen all you are doing is wasting space ... so many "bytes" down the drain.
Debby Deegan

Although I think The Internet has more pluses than minuses, it poses a lot of problems vis a vis romance. I have met several men in the past year and a half, actually meeting about 10 in person [out of approx. 200 on the Internet] The problem is distance and reality vs. cyberspace. Perhaps this is just one aspect of the problem. We are more apt to find compatible souls who live thousands of miles away than we are to find someone in the same town, street or state. I live in a small town in the middle of Kansas where most people form associations for life in high school. People come back here to raise families. I just moved here a year and a half ago. The Internet makes life bearable for those of us who otherwise would be totally isolated, but as for solving love life needs, I think it leaves a lot to be desired! It causes a lot of frustration to find a person you are sure you like, e-mail for several months and then discover that in person this individual is not at all what they seemed "online". I think there should be some rules: Like meeting in person no more than a month into e-mailing - If this does not happen all you are doing is wasting space... so many "bytes" down the drain
Debby Deegan, USA

The internet has indeed come to change the way we live.With internet romance it is making it a lot easier for people to come together from diverse cultures.I still feel most of the people who meet on the net still end up mere friends because it usually becomes a habit or an addiction to surf and hence a lot end up in multiple relationships, defeating the purpose of romance. The other major problem is conflict of culture. Interracting usually becomes difficult in many chatrooms due to egocentric feeling (choosing who you feel can talk to) and ignorance. Many Americans fail to talk to people outside US and Europe because they are ignorant about those places. I have been visiting an African American chatroom(www.ejams.com), but it's always difficult to interract because the hard nut to crack is to convince anyone that someone from Africa can be online. People are yet to appreciate that the internet has come to bring everyone together regardless of remoteness. Hence I feel internet romance will truly succeed on a large scale when we all appreciate that its there for everyone from anywhere.
Martin Maimbolwa, Zambia

Despite the hazards of internet romance ( rape and murder have happened) I think it serves a beneficial purpose for our extended population. Distance, ethnic or religous boundaries in the physical world don't exist in cyberspace. People with little opportunity or shyness can converse and develop relationships that if not leading towards physical contact then towards friendship on the desktop. It does need a watchdog but I believe the promise outweighs the risk.
Chris Hoagland Jackson Wy. USA

I believe in the possibility of finding your soul-mate on the internet. It removes geographical restrictions and allows you to interact with someone on a purely intellectual level. I met my boyfriend who lived in a city 600km from my home in a chat room. We met after e-mailing and talking on the phone for two months and have now been together for 1yr and 6 mnths. If there was no internet we may never have met.
Candice Stupple

People find it easier to talk to others when they know they can't be seen. "Maybe I can get to know this person and then it won't matter so much what I look like" might be the thoughts going through the head of a person with a low self esteem. I personally consider it somewhat dangerous to meet people on the net. The chances that you will meet a nut out there are probably even higher than meeting them socially in person. To each his own. Maybe people can feel a little safer letting their guard down when talking to someone on the net because they don't believe they will ever meet that individual. Who knows? It's not for me!
Joan Klug

I have had two relationships that started over the internet. Both were international and ended for different reasons. I am a 28 year old professional, and both were with someone who might just have been special but whom I would not have met were it not for the net. The idea of 'spreading the net' in our search for that special someone is incredibly interesting and, for the first time in man's social evolution, distance and locality do not pose the problems they once did. The future? Race and national barriers breached, hopefully for the good of all. One bad point would appear to be the number of online services touting for business (and ultimately money) which does make it difficult for someone to start looking.
David Piggott

Romance on the internet is the modern form of having a pen friend romance. I have myself met my future wife on the Net. She paged me out of curiosity about my 'nickname' one night and we started chatting, and we have been doing so every night now for several months. Indeed we probably 'talk' to each other far more than couples do who have met under traditional circumstances. Although there are certain difficulties due to my being in Germany and her being in Scotland, our relationship has become a Love Affair. We have met on a couple of occasions and we intend to move together as soon as I find work in U.K., which we both hope will be very soon.
Stephen Corlett, Germany

Internet romance can and does work. I've seen various cases where people I know well have found that they are perfect for each other and started relationships. These relationships have the same limitations and problems as those in the 'real world' do, plus sometimes the added stress of the partner living, in some cases, many thousands of miles away. I believe that we cannot judge this as a method of meeting people and possibly falling in love and settling down. What's the difference between the internet and the phone chat lines? The internet has the added benefit of being able to stream video and speech over it (albiet poorly), as well as textual conversations. It is probably more likely to find a better partner via the internet than on singles dating phone services.
Mark Godfrey, Peterborough, England.

I guess I can feel fairly well equipped to answer some of these questions as I am currently living with my fianc�e who I met online just over a year ago.. Some would argue that online it is easy to lie. This is true but it is very easy to spot the fakes and no one who is being fake online could ever hope to get away with a meeting in real life. It is also so much more easy to be yourself online. It's almost a kind of hiding behind a screen. But in most cases people are not actively looking for love online but just looking for friendship and people to talk to.

You can talk freely online without having to worry about personal inhibitions or being judged by anything other than your personality and words alone. I was lucky enough to be invited to the much covered internet wedding a couple of years ago in Taunton. Actually being there in person on the day rather than joining in the online ceremony remotely. I was able to see both sides of this novel wedding. I knew Lisa the bride from Florida rather than the Bridegroom Andrew. I stayed with her best friend and Bridesmaid Lissy. I was also interviewed at the Actual Ceremony in the Registry for the local BBC news team.

I still stand by what I said in that interview that meeting online breaks down the barriers not only between countries but cultures and beliefs. Essentially when you talk online you have one human being talking with another. People have views, interests and feelings and emotions. Many people argue against meeting online asking how you can know someone without meeting them face to face.. My counter-argument would be to ask how when they meet someone face to face they find out about them. They TALK. The difference being that they may pass someone by on the street who may not attract their attention for whatever reason. But online they could speak to this person and find they are well matched.

My personal experience was purely to find a person who shared my feelings and beliefs about life. Talking online lead to phone calls. Then I took the large and important step in any online relationship. To actually travel to America and meet this person. We had been talking for 7 months before I took that trip. She is now living with me here in London and we are engaged. In our case the internet has not just drawn to people together but also two families from other sides of the world. I would warn anyone who is considering a "serious" relationship online that it is not easy.. The recent Movie release "City of Angels" tells a story of a love without touch.. This is what happens with online "long distance" relationships. All the emotions are there. But you greet everyday knowing that all you can do is talk. You can't reach out and hold a hand. You can't get a hug when you feel low. It is not easy. But if you are sure and you both make the effort it can be the most rewarding moment in your life when you first hold that person close to you. The important thing to do is to take time to be sure of your feelings. Write via snail mail. E-mail. Talk online and on the phone. If possible make the first meeting on common ground and most of all like any relationship be prepared to be let down.

There is a certain element of addiction to meeting people online and this can cloud judgment when it comes to affairs of the heart. But in my experience Internet addiction is short lived and eventually the Net becomes an extension of the communications system. The stigma attached to internet relationships is slowly losing its geekishness and anyone who frowns on internet weddings should take a look to the past and the number of pen friends who wed. Being online you can feel comfortable being yourself. And when someone falls in love with you for being yourself it is something that can be sustained. But the great distances are the obstacle which make internet relationships harder. But if it survives. It is something worth holding onto.
Richard

I just had to reply to your talking point, as the internet from a romance point of view changed my life. After a long term relationship broke down I found myself outside the single social circle and with a battered self esteem and faith left in relationships. I met through a safe medium, many very nice people and also many strange, I made friends all over the world and one very special one. After some disappointment in people, no different to what I had experienced in every day life. I met a soul mate (in person eventually), my family were very sceptical about anything that originated 'inside a computer' could evolve into a recognizable reality, despite this I became engaged to this man. Just three weeks later it was discovered that he had cancer at (32) , and this seemed to spell disaster as he was in Switzerland and I in England. I was so sure of the worth of our relationship that I gave up my career as a business woman and flew here the same day, come what may. I think many people would regard my action as impulsive and foolish, but one year on we have come through everything and he is well again. We are more in love than ever, our happiness seems to know no limits and even though this year has been one of the worst in our lives, it was also the best. The internet changed my life beyond imagination, and now I use e-mail to communicate with my family. There are many people on the internet that reflect the diversity of the people in the world outside, and there is just as much hurt to find as outside, but with patience, judge ment and destiny stepping in, it can yield the thing that all of us are searching for, fulfilment, acceptance of who we are and love.
Elaine Kruse

I met my girlfriend this way. I think it's a great way of meeting people. Talking to each other on e-mail pior to meeting gives you a good idea what the person's like and you discover each other's interests, so you feel like you already know each other when you first meet up in RL. You can also bow out gracefully if they're not your cup of tea. We're still together over a year later and going strong.
J

I actually met a female penpal over the internet through a chat room. There can be some perverts on the Net, but there are also people genually looking for romance there as well, you just have to be careful.
David M. Shell, 18, England

I met and am currently living with a man that I met on the Internet. I think that because of the way that our relationship started, we got to know the 'real person', the person inside. We became the best of friends and when we did meet we realised that we were in love with each other. We have been living together for a year now after being together for a year and a half and we are very happy. If it wasn't for the Internet I would never have met my soul mate. While my story has a happy ending I think that there are many fraudsters out there out for some attention. Some married men are emailing up to five or six girls and telling them the same things. You need to be sensible and wise. Speak to them on the phone for a while before you meet in person and then meet in a public place, perhaps with a friend and make sure everyone knows where you are and that you are OK.
Sally Hadland

While I met my current girlfriend in a 'real' pub in London, we had only a very short time together then spent a few months apart, and the bulk of our communication was via the internet. I am sure our romance would not have blossomed if we did not communicate in this way. I am now living in Sweden (her home country) and I'm very glad we had the electronic medium available to us! Of course this is very different to those people who 'meet' on the internet, but it is another aspect of the subject of 'Internet Romance'!
Robert Hartwell, English, living in Stockholm, Sweden

Having just seen a friend of mine get married after meeting his wife over the internet, and speaking as someone who met his wife using conventional dating agencies I can say from experience I can't see the difference. A lot of people are having social lives restricted by the office culture of 'must stay late' so are resorting to other means to meet someone. At least by meeting over the internet its more likely that you'll like the other person because of their personality rather than their looks, which seems like a good way to build a lasting relationship to me.
Tim, UK

I think it's wonderful! I agree with the gentleman who says it's an extension of courting by snail-mail, or even by telephone. I have been involved with a wonderful man I met on the net for the past six months. We had written to each other for about 4 months before we met, and we met with no romantic expectations...just the idea of meeting each other for real. Yes, you can get burnt by liars...on the net, you could be a dog and no one might ever find out!...but there are honest people out there, and with a bit of caution, it can be an ideal place to meet people you would never before have had a way of finding.
Jeannie Farebrother, London

Been there. Done that. Seen it LOTS of times. Internet romance is one of those things that isn't the news story everyone thinks it is. Most universities give their students free access to the internet and so it's this age group that tends to talk online and 'meet' both new friends and potential partners. It's not uncommon either, I've seen many friends from my university days now happily settled down with, and in some cases married to, people they met via 'talkers'. I myself have met a number of my closest friends online...as well as my current boyfriend. As a single gay man who didn't really want to enter the gay club scene, talking online was by far the least intrusive and most reassuring way to meet other gay men and talk. Yes, it's entirely true that you don't know who you're talking to and whether they are being entirely truthful with you - but then that's also an advantage when viewed from the opposite angle, you can be anonymous and therefore less guarded in conversation. In the end though, romance via the internet has all the pitfalls and the benefits of any other form of romantic liason - so, why all the fuss?
Bruce, UK

I am writing in reply to your romance on the net. I am from Scotland, and I have met the most wonderful man in the world on the net. He is in Germany, and he comes from Liverpool, I was browsing and went into a chat program and there I found an address with the nickname scouser, so I paged and from that moment on we got on like a house on fire. On one of the very first chats that we had, he told me that he was happily married and had two sons and we chatted. I am divorced and have two children: a boy of three and a girl of nine years. I am 39 years old and was very deeply hurt through a marriage breakdown, so as you can imagine my defences were very high, and it's easy to chat to someone on the net because you know they can't hurt you. Anyway, we chatted every night for about 3 to 4 hours and talked about anything and everything This man was interesting and he integrated me, as I did him, so this went on for a few months and we decided to meet. This put the fear of god into me and yes I was terrified, but so was he, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. I was taking a big chance but I did it and I don't regret a moment of it. We met and got on very well. He was everything I had imagined him to be. He treated me with care and respect and we had a wonderful time together. When it ended and we were to part it was sore. I was not sure if I would ever see him again. But then I reminded myself that he was married and hated myself for what I had done but the feeling was to strong it would not go away, we parted and I felt lost and hurt and I cryed, as this man had touched me in a way that I didn't know I was falling in love with him. We then met on the net again a day later and everything was back to normal ,only it was more intense and he told me that he felt the same way, for me ,and to cut the story short we are setting up home together as we have fallen in love with each other. He is waiting for employment in the UK which we will hear about tomorrow and then we get a house together, and settle down. My daughter chatted with him for a few months before she and my son met him and they love him to death - they call him papa. His marriage has ended, and we have found happiness, love and harmony together, I have asked myself if I am breaking up a marriage and hurting all these people but we have found each other, and neither of us is letting it go. We are in love and it happened over the net,,, but you have to be sure of whom you are dealing with. But for me it has proven to be true love. We intend to marry in the future, I know people say it can't happen like this but it can. We found it and we are very happy and very much in love with each other. And he loves my kids and they love him. I call it fate.
Georgina McConville, Scotland

Anyone who makes a decision to marry or run off with someone solely based on Internet contact is asking for trouble. But it is a great way to get to know someone and realise that the potential for a real-life relationship is there. I met my girlfriend, by chance, through the Internet. We both knew though that there was no substitute for actually meeting and spending time together to really decide how we felt. Happily for us, we hit it off immediately and have not looked back. Romance by email is really just an updating of romance by snail-mail, which has a long and honourable history.
Roy Stilling, Winchester, England

It's a lot more widespread than you think. I know five people who have met partners on the Internet. One of them packed in his job as a fireman to live in the states with a girl. One left his wife for a woman in Essex. The Internet is a great place to lie and have a laugh in the chatrooms, but it is also a great way to meet like-minded people.
Paul, London

Oh, come on, people can't decide about partners or even friends months after meeting and being with each other. Like one of them said, it is too easy to lie on the internet. Can one believe it when people are talking about themselves, especially with romance in view? Holding hands, looking into each others eyes, a bit of a sigh, flowers, that is what romance is all about.
Indu Ramesh, India

The amazing thing about the whole idea of an Internet romance is that it uses language and thoughts. It isn't based around looks or social position - they don't come into it until the relationship is consummated. There are many types of love and the Internet just adds a new one - a relationship based around mind rather than body. The personality is what comes shining through. Many people worry that the person on the other end is lying - how do you know they are who they are. This is a valid point but in the end it all comes down to trust. If there is honesty then what is wrong with it? The answer is obvious - society does not like new things and Internet romance is one of them, it goes against the established social norms but at the same time creates new ones. True, there is a risk of getting hurt and being lied to but this is just the same as real life. In the end there is as much chance of happiness and as much risk of hurt as the real thing.
James Newman

I've been on the Internet for eight months now and I have found that it has brought a number of significant changes to the way I do things. For example, the way I get the news. Unlike sitting and watching the television, waiting for specific reports of interest, I can find what I want when I want to find it. The cost of buying all the world's newspapers is prohibitive and it would be impossible to read them all, but the 'net gives you access to all the world's newspapers to search through. As for romance the same applies. Long before you get chance to meet the person you are able to get the intellectual and spiritual ground work done without the distraction of how the person looks. This is particularly good in that you end up meeting people because of their personalities and not their looks. Too much emphasis is applied to looks and too little to personality, I feel. Using the 'net is an ideal way of getting to know someone well before you meet up. Especially these days where work and careers get in the way of 'normal' life, the 'net is a convenient and efficient means of meeting people. This evening I have a dinner date lined up with someone of the 'net. We've already got the intellectual and spiritual ground work done. And frankly, unless the lady in question is absolutely hideous I don't foresee any obstacles to a lasting relationship. This, of course, cuts both ways.
Jonathan, Hampton UK.

I have mixed feelings about internet romance. While I did meet my current girlfriend on the internet, I have seen a seedier side to it, too. For example, being a person who at one time spent significant amounts of time in chat rooms, I grew to find the comparison to a meat market almost startling. People would stop talking to people once they had received that person's picture and found them unattractive. On the other hand, I met my girlfriend in a chat room set up for Seattle, where I live, and had we not met there, it is unlikely we would have ever met in real life. Overall, it would be a good thing, if people could be convinced to be honest in chat rooms. Yes, let down some inhibitions, but do not lie...human relationships are hard enough as it is.
Benjamin Ingle, Seattle, WA, USA

Many of the concerns voiced would also apply to the old and established (and now largely forgotten) practice of making pen-friends. In this case also all you can know about a person is what they choose to tell you. Obviously it's easy to be taken for a ride... However, internet and email do speed things up and perhaps, crucially, chat-rooms are interactive thus making that "electronic interaction" a lot more immediate and real. Just how real it becomes to a person will naturally vary a lot from person to person. I don't see how this can be restricted or controlled without compromising an individual's rights and freedom. Lying over the internet is, after all, just lying, which humans have been doing since (perhaps before) language evolved. However, no one suggests that we ban vocal communication because we may be lied to while listening to someone. Internet only provides a new channel to communicate via. In the end I believe that it is up to an individual to decide how seriously they take any interaction they have with another person over the internet.
Samir Prakash, India / UK

It's a very chancy thing. The 30-year-old woman a man thinks he has met could be a 14-year-old girl or a 45 year-old man. A woman of 25 thinks she is communicating with a single man her own age, but it could just as easily be a 70-year-old man or woman or a married philanderer of either sex.
James Castro, Missoula, Montana, USA

Relationships are anyhow a matter of phantasmagoric expectations. Internet is more conducive to phantasy than tangible reality of smells, looks and body presence in general. So be it. The next step we expect from cyber-masters is to provide people with machines capable of total and complex sensory stimulation and desirable deception. Simulated sex is certainly free of health risks and one can have it as much as one wants. Addiction is a matter of time and ratios. If anyone wonders if cyber-romance is humane, well, one should bear in mind that no one has seen any fish, animal or insect using a cellular phone to communicate its desire, let alone inventing this kind of technology. Ergo, techne ( or art and skill in using tools, and toys ) and artificiality is what makes culture and humanity. Novelty and growing popularity of computational technology is perhaps a good reason to ask the question about internet romance, but it is certainly not a strong reason for all this mental and emotional commotion around the subject matter. Think for a second about romantic letters. People used to have a relationship via mail and used to make major decisions in their lives based on correspondence. There is nothing extremely inventive and different about the way human beings use computer technology to pursue their everlasting ideal - finding someone who shall nurture their imagination and be an ideal partner(s). Only few among us have a strong need to live without this kind of delusion. They are certainly not human. They might be super-human - avatars of some sort.
ZB, somewhere in California, planet earth

One oft-neglected side benefit of Internet romance is that it has brought to the fore once again that most noble of English language institutions: the love letter. After many years of neglect, this ancient and most pleasurable mode of the written word has found through the Internet a new home through the lovelorn efforts of thousands of would-be Byrons and Augusta Leighs. What next, heart-rending diathrambs of sonnet? This in an age when it is quite normal for the college student to openly vent disgust at the prospect of reading Shakespeare or the letters & memoirs of Victorian literary correspondents. How skilled we are at using technological equivalents of guided missiles to solve what constitutes a flyswatter problem. I do hope the associated e-mail is being printed somewhere in this respect so that the grandkids can see one day how Gramps and Granny first got together!
Walt O'Brien, Barre Vermont, USA

I have a family member who has been swept along by this and is now due to marry someone he hardly knows who lives 3000 miles away through a brief meeting in a chat room. He is young and has little life experience. You comments are correct in your summary, inhibitions that in a normal relationship are slowly broken down were completely abandoned in their first meeting when they spent just a few days together. He knows nothing of his partners home life or background and has never even visited her home town. Call me old fashioned if you like but this is not a good solid foundation on which to base a marriage. We are all worried about this.
Viewer, USA

I think it's great - it's much safer than life in the the city and it's fun. And companies are beginning to edge in on the fun.
Piers Fawkes