THIS WEEK The headmaster called me to his study, and said "take off your trousers - and your pants, you silly little boy." He started with his gnarled hands to stroke my bare behind. "Freud," he said, "I believe your grandfather was opposed to corporal punishment. So I'm not going to beat you." But I think my grandfather would have much preferred me to have been beaten than to have been groped. Clement Freud

2340 Andrew promises the answer to that classic political question: "Crisis? What Crisis?", joined by our very own pair of scandal-makers: the John Profumo and Christine Keeler of the pastel pink sofa, Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott.

2343 As the PM considered the proffered resignation of his Home Secretary, his Health Secretary was being booed off the stage by nurses and his Deputy Prime Minister was 'fessing up to an affair with his diary secretary. Not exactly the best backdrop for the run up to next Thursday's local elections. But is it a crisis for the government? We turned to comedian and Labour supporter Jo Brand for her Take Of The Week.

2346 Jo joins the team in the studio to discuss her Take.

2357 This week, we learned about the huge sums spent on Cherie's hairdos, Michael Howard's make-up. and Charlie Kennedy's bar bill. The parties even have Star Trekkies and Groundhogs, but we've gone one better for our Round Up, with a little help from Quentin Letts of the Daily Mail.

0011 In the week they announced the return of Dynasty, we all love a good family saga. And there are plenty of real life sagas: the Windsors, the Kennedys and the Gandhis; the Benns, Redgraves and the Murdochs. Also this week, the census for 1841 went online, giving us a chance to discover the glamour in our family's past - or perhaps the shame. What drives our interest in our ancestry, and how far does it determine who we are? We put our roots in the Spotlight, with help from our guest Clement Freud.

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