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REAL STORY: JUST A DOMESTIC? Monday, 16 May 2005 BBC ONE, 1930 BST About the programme 'Why I beat my wife'

Thank you for your programme tonight - we need programmes like this to make domestic abuse as anti-social as drink driving Julie Barnes, Greater Manchester Police

I am a midwife, am on the Management Committee of my local domestic violence forum, and teach DV awareness and training sessions to student and post grad midwives at Guildford University. I was very impressed with the programme, particularly with the emphasis on pregnancy as a dangerous time. I would like permission to use parts of the programme in my training sessions.
Linda Pirie, UK

I've just watched your Real Story about domestic violence. Have you ever thought about inviting somebody like the Lord Chief Justice to answer the questions raised about the pathetic sentencing? I'm sure many people would love to see such an interview, especially right after such a programme as the one just shown!!
James Hutton, France

I work for an organization that cares for Jewish women who are victims of domestic violence. Would it be possible to get a copy of the 'Real Story' shown tonight to show to our staff?
Julia Alberga, UK

I am a Detective Sergeant with responsibilities for Domestic Violence, Child Protection , Adult Protection and Video Interviewing within the area of Salford, GMC. I have spoken in conferences around the UK and lastly at an Adult Protection Confernece in the House of Commons. I am currently creating a Centre of Excellence for Public Protection, involving a multi agency centre where professionasl are employed as one to protect, investigate and prosecute perpatrators of abuse. This will also encompass non-statutary agencies and survivors of abuse.

If anything is to come of your programme, please promote more joined up working between the disparate organisations in question and lives will be saved! Ricky, Sunderland

My sister has been in the care of the Liverpool domestic violence unit within the past two years and I cannot praise them highly enough. My ex brother- in- law was a typical abuser and when he could no longer enter the house or see my sister he DIRECTED his attentions to members of the family he could get to. When the divorce was final last year we thought it would change him. It hasn't . My sister works full time and pays towards full time nursery care and a mortgage and hasn't had a holiday in a number of years. He is wearing my sister down financially now so in a way he is still in control.
Sandra, UK

I have moved home 17 times and changed my name four times to try to escape my abuser. Each time he has found me. Emily, England

Your programme tonight was accurate. My daughter suffered domestic violence, verbal, sexual, finanacial and in the end physical from her naval officer husband. She is still in recovery two tears later. The police in Norfolk listened to her very plausible husband, now thankfully ex-husband, and did not prosecute him for his attack on her and threats to kill her. He is still carrying out harrassment but turns everything around when talking to the police and the divorce courts. If the police in Norfolk had done their job properly he would at least have served a prison sentence! I believe that, on the evidence, he would have got at least a two-year prison sentence here in Portsmouth. By their lack of action they have condoned this vile man's actions. Please keep up the good work in highlighting the evil that these so-called men thrive upon.
David S, England

The comment 'It's brainwashing'from the lady who ran the Freedom programme struck a cord with me. I was married to an abusive man for 25 years. We married young. He was a milirary policeman used to getting exactly what he wanted and if I did'nt obey punishment followed. But when you are young, away from home and alone you are easily manipulated. I have always wondered if the incidence of domestic violence is higher within the military than the general population. As an aside I was able to escape only through the support of a mental health team that were able to show me that most of my mental health problems were not of my making but the pressure that I was under trying to 'please' my ex husband.
The domestic violence unit in Stockton on Tees were very good but the general police response both in Stockton and Sunderland (where I now live) has been disappointing. The response has been, 'You have a good job your a professsional woman, you can look after yourself and anyway why did you not leave years ago?' I have had to move away from Sunderland to be safe. A way forward is to integrate the health professionals with the domestic violence police units. Health people in A&E, Primary care and Mental Health Trusts see us a lot sooner than the police do. I should know. I worked in a Mental Health Trust and now in Social Services. If anything is to come of your programme, please promote more (a buze phrase is comming) joined up working between the disparate organisations in question and lives will be saved!
Ricky, Sunderland

I was beaten black and blue on a regular basis for nearly a year after marrying before I finally left her David Hyatt, London

Although I am very sorry for the women in tonight's programme (there is no excuse for what has happened to them and thier children), I am puzzled why there was no accounts of women being violent against men. I am sure it happens. As I thought that BBC would also show all kinds of domestic violence between husband and wife, I was supprised there was no story of this kind.
Kevin Cox, England

I have just watched Real Story on domestic violence. I am a survivor of domestic violence and left my ex husband in 1970 and am appalled that it has taken 35 years for the law to change. The effects of DV are not just physical - mentally it is something that never ever leaves you or your children. Watching Real Story brought me to tears, I felt sick and am still shaking.
Back in 1970 I rang the police on one occasion only to be told, and I quote, "We don't deal with that sort of thing as it is not a crime, it is a domestic matter" and it would appear that the law basically takes this attitude even today. I still have occasional nightmares and the effects on my son who is now aged 37 are still very prevalent. I was very fortunate and after 20 years met a wonderful man and we married in 1990 but the scars are still there and will never heal completely.
If any of these men committed the same injuries against a member of the general public, the sentences would be much more severe. What also astounds me is that the media always highlight victims from the so-called lower class - perpetrators come in many forms: solicitors, judges, doctors, even the police themselves, my ex was an architect.
Please, please keep highlighting this problem as it will never ever go away and it is only programmes such as Real Story that help people to understand the severity of domestic violence.
Marion Warham

My Mum suffered at the hands of my alcoholic abusive dad for years.... I was able to recall things she had no idea I knew about R Evans, Cornwall, UK

I watched your programme with great interest. It bought home to me lots of the similar issues that I myself am experiencing. My late daughter was a victim of domestic violence. Before meeting her ex partner she was a very headstrong, confident woman. He made her an unconfident wreck. Domestic violence isn�t just a physical thing, though she had to hide bruises. He mentally tormented her. After her passing, I applied to the courts for custody of her daughter, who was 16 months old. In my statement to the court I expressed that her ex partner had violent tendencies to which her best friend, who is a police inspector, testified. The judge�s verdict was that my granddaughter should live with her father as he was the surviving parent. The court has given the father my daughter�s house and money. I had promised to my daughter, a 31 year-old beautiful woman, scared of the ovarian cancer that was consuming her,that I wouldn�t let her ex cause my grand-daughter the same pain. It�s strange how a man can destroy a person�s life and then take everything that person had. It really feels like a final insult.
Lynn M, England

I am deeply offended by your constant attacks on men. Your programme "real story" regarding men and domestic violence is yet another example of the feminised BBC.
Mr Campbell, England

This is an excellent programme with Fiona Bruce not being afraid to question the status quo. Whenever I watch or hear a programme on domestic violence I think of my own story of mental abuse in a relationship. In itself it doesn't have the dramatic impact of physical abuse but it can still ruin lives. This might be a subject worth investigating.
Linda Adams, England

I was beaten black and blue on a regular basis for nearly a year after marrying before I finally left her. I was twice her size but could not bring myself to hit back as most men would never hit a woman even in self defence. Anyway, I was still in love. And most of the time she behaved normally. I tended to blame myself for the violence. Until then I had always assumed that the vast majority of domestic violence victims were female and this experience had disastrous consequences...I felt that I must be some kind of freak, I became depressed, lost my job, then became homeless. Male victims very rarely go to the police as this would make them feel even more humiliated.
David Hyatt, London

My Mum suffered at the hands of my alcoholic abusive dad for years. I was only 4 and my brother 7 when she found the strength to leave him as he was becomming violent to us. I experienced problems at school and never wanted to leave my Mum. I didnt see my Dad for 20 years and found out in February that he had died. After talking with my Mum she had no idea how much I remembered from such a young age and this upset her. I was able to recall things she had no idea I knew about. I just want to say that children suffer too and they are very aware of what is happening, I experienced bed wetting for years as a child and saw a child psychologist all because of what my Dad did to my Mum and subsequently did to me. I'm a midwife now and know of the increased incident of domestic violence in pregnancy. I just want to say thank you for bringing awareness to such an important subject.
R Evans, Cornwall, UK

I went to help a friend and nearly lost my life as her bully of drunken husband turned on me because he couldn't get to her. It took the police more than two weeks to arrest him and in that time he destroyed vital forensic evidence. I had to attend court and had to face him and was reduced to tears because of his brief. Then the police admitted to me that they'd arrested him on the wrong charge and because of that and no forensic eveidence I was potrayed as someone who interfered and got everything I deserved. I believe that the police need better training and need to act much quicker to stop cases like mine being thrown out because the man who attacked me was given enough time to destroy evidence. This should never, ever have happened. Domestic violence affects everyone.
Rachel , Hampshire, England

I want to thank the team for last night's 'Real Story' on Domestic Violence. As a worker in the field, I felt the programme had been very well researched, with a good balance of feedback from service providers and service users. It was good to see Helen and Brian Povey interviewed - I was one of the Women's Aid workers to secure funding to make a video about their mother's killing (launched in 2002). Thanks again for an excellent programme.
Dr Helen Morgan-Howard, England

I deplore domestic violence of any kind. I am a man who is in an abusive & violent relationship, I am on the receiving end. The abuse started with name calling, threats of violence to me, my family & friends & physocological put downs to reduce my self esteem. Next came the isolation from friends & family then the physical violence. At the moment I am doing as much as I can to get out of this relationship which goes from bad to worse. I have been to victim support and the police who have been very helpful. The worst aspect of this has been the mental abuse & torture. So I would advise all people that domestic violence is not acceptable when it is done by men or women. It has been and is still the worse pain that I have experienced in my life.
Anon, UK

When I was young (about 4, I am now 12) I lived with my father and he used to beat my mother. He dragged her by the hair, kicked her around and had a knife in his hand but thanks to the police - they came in just in time - my mum was taken to hospital and me and my little brother were checked out. I had a urine infection as I was really scared. My brother had bruises. Luckily the police came because of me. I had phoned the emergency services
Anon, Birmingham

I have just watched your domestic violence programme and I sympathise. At least with physical violence there is usually evidence and the perpetrators can get sentenced. I have recently become involved in a Family Law court case where the victim was raped by her partner and saw her daughter being sexually abused by him. I am told that there is not enough evidence for the courts, although I believe that there is, and there is a very real risk that he will soon be allowed full unsupervised access to the children again. The victim attempted to get him psychologically assessed to show the court that he is a risk and CAFCASS agreed. After months of wrangling she has finally got her wish for assessment but only after seeing 2 different solicitors, 3 different barristers, 4 different judges and only because the defendant fortunately volunteered to undergo assessment and because a witness volunteered to pay for it and because the last judge was a lady who sympathised with the victim. The previous male judges did not. I am appalled that the Family Law legal system depends upon the whims of one judge, doesn't seek more evidence urgently, doesn't take into account the weight of circircumstantial evidence, doesn't take into account the state that these young girls are in and is totally inefficient.
Steve B, UK

At last, a programme that highlights the problem that the police have had for many years. I spent almost 16 years with an abusive partner, moving home frequently, changing mine and my childrens names. Not until i moved to Wiltshire did i find a police force with a non-archaic attitude. However this was totally underwritten by the pathetic actions of the CPS. If a man breaks into your house, tells you that he is going to kill you, puts an electric drill against your skull and turns it on,,Surely you think, attempted murder? The police certainly thought so. But the CPS in their infinite wisdom, decided it was affray and burglary resulting in a 12 month probation order, leaving both the police and myself highly frustrated and baffled. I have worked closely with a women's refuge for many years now and this is not an isolated case. Welldone BBC for highlighting at least one of the problems in a subject that still has many more to be addressed.
Julie, Wilts

I was subject to six months of unrelenting verbal and emotional abuse by my husband, until I reached a point where I was convinced I didn't deserve to live, let alone be a mother to my children. I finally attempted suicide and ended up spending three months in a psychiatric ward with severe clinical depression. By the time I made up my mind to go for a divorce, he had moved his mother in to look after the children, and was presenting himself to the world as a wronged husband whose wife had left him with two children to bring up. I would have liked your programme to have highlighted this form of abuse, because in its way it is just as devastating as physical abuse. My children saw me being called "a parasite", "despicable", heard me being accused of not loving them, and over time learned that the safest way was to "side" with Daddy. I now live alone, and have been told that I have no chance of being granted custody of my children, because he has had them living with them since my admission into hospital.
Anon

I am the Male Intervention Worker for Montgomery Family Crisis Centre based at Newtown in Mid Wales. I watched your program with great interest last night.
Anthony Barker, Wales

I myself come from a violent background, where I have seen my father nearly kill my mother many times. I am now 31 and memories of all the violence that went on in my family still haunt me to this day. How can any justice system hand out such lenient sentences? It is completely beyond me. The laws have got to change. I sit here now thinking about these women I saw on TV, in their eyes I saw the fear I saw so many times in my mother's eyes. It brings back the worst memories. For the sake of these women and children, the courts have got to change things.
Dannie, UK

The issue of domestic violence investigated in Real Story on 16th May has prompted me to write to you once again. The recent changes in law giving the police greater power to act in domestic issues is indeed welcome. I recall the time when I called the police, only to find that they could do nothing for me. I suffered domestic violence in silence for 24 years, despite being an educated and professional woman. I am an Asian divorced woman.I am also a trustee of a charity, Childless Widows and Orphans,aiming to bring the issue of domestic violence to the forefront in the ethnic communities. We have been campaigning in the Asian press on this issue. My personal story is marred by suppression and intimidation, physical and mental abuse. I have three daughters in their 20s. Their lives were traumatised as children many a times and suffer the consequences.
Amrik Batth

I watched �some- of your programme today. I say �some�, because even after 50 years, I still cannot face the violence that I saw, heard and witnessed in the house when I was a child. I was always told to say nothing, and that is what I did until recently, when all the terror of my past just started streaming out. One cannot dismiss the effect the domestic violence has on the childre - the ones who are caught in the middle, unable to express what they witness. All sorts of problems arise, from not being able to fully trust people, to having to endure the terror and fear of their past.
Anon

My daughter was a domestic violence victim, she died from her injuries two years ago on the 25th May. Her injuries were horrific, but all her partner got was 7 years. He has got to serve the full 7 years, but it is us that has the life sentence. The police were fantastic, but it was the justice system that let them down, I would like to tell anyone that is in that situation to get out and make sure you press charges, don't let them get away with it.
Maria Franklin

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