Friday September 26

Wow, amazingly, I have made it to the end of week one. Exhausted but not defeated!

It is rather difficult to know what to write today. I feel that I have travelled across many different lands over the last week and this journey across the mountains, lakes, deserts, forests and plains has left me nothing short of shattered!

One must soldier on to glory, though. Now a non-smoking smoker with the firmest intentions of keeping it that way!!!

To be completely honest, it has really not been bad so far, and if it gets no worse from hereon, then I have definitely cracked it! If anyone wading their way through the babble that I have generated since this time last week has felt inspired to stop, then I have truly accomplished something special!

A quick recap of the roller coaster of emotion since last Friday, then:

Friday to Sunday

At first, anxiety, fear and simple terror of the unexpected and unknown.

Then, loss, bereavement and no direction. Wounded and rather pathetic.

Finally, explosive temper and unpleasant demeanour! Ratty, argumentative, angry, and simply unpleasant company (sorry Mark!).

Monday to Friday

Thank goodness, back to routine!! Efficiency, slight lack of tolerance, energy, dynamism and pride.

Diversion, strength and direction all rediscovered and suddenly I could see the light at the end of the very dark weekend tunnel!

I have definitely wanted to give up smoking, and the most difficult part of that was making the decision to stop. Once that was made, it was and is (so far) much, much easier that I ever imagined it would.

I do want to thank everyone who has been so, so supportive to me over the last week. Thank you all for the advice, the empathy and the encouragement you have given me. Mark, words cannot express the gratitude for your strength, belief in me and your Saintly patience that you have given me - I could not have done it without you!!

Okay, enough sentimental stuff now!!! My advice to anyone thinking of giving up, is DO IT. Your skin looks better, you have more energy, you can get to the top of the stairs without experiencing cardiac shutdown and let�s face it, you can go on a Caribbean cruise by the end of the first year with the money you have saved.

I feel very, very proud of what I have achieved - you can too, with less effort than you imagine.

So, to all those reformed smokers to be out there, here is a quote to push you closer to the decision: Charles 1 said, and I quote: "Smoking is a custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain and dangerous to the lungs... "Not a lot has changed since the 1600's then!!!

I am going to give a couple more updates to this as I continue along the path to righteousness, so stay tuned...

Cheers for now, Lindsay

Thursday September 25

What a long week... possibly one the longest of my life so far!

I guess the only good thing is that it is all going to get easier from here, or at least I am promised that by everyone that I have spoken to that has given up the fags!

Today has been a particularly difficult day. I have felt real stress and anxiety today. My heart is pounding in my chest and I have the classic neck strain and headache.

Could it be the bottle and a half of red wine I drank last night? Surely not.

On that subject, the thing about giving up smoking is that you drink far more. I guess it is something to do with bringing something to your lips every few seconds, if not a cigarette, then a glass of wine!

That said, hangovers seem to be easier to bear without the next morning ashtray breath.

Mind you, they say that smoking is expensive - giving up therefore could be even more so (a bottle and a half of wine a night is going to add up!).

Thank you for the advice to the person who advised that I put water in my wine glass and pretend that it is alcohol - what an ingenious idea!! That will fool me will it not?!!!

All excited about going back on the telly on Friday morning at 8.20 for anyone who is interested! Those of you who will be in the gym, don't fall off the treadmill like one of my clients when he saw me!

So, see you all on Friday from the bench with Bill and Jules. Fingers crossed I won't dry up and make a total idiot of myself.

And then, tomorrow afternoon it will be farewell to fame and fortune!

Bye for now, Lindsay.

Wednesday September 24

I have turned into a state of 'non-mind' (or so I am told). Is memory loss a symptom or effect of giving up nicotine?

The expression 'turning blond' has even been used to describe my behaviour - and this was from a client! Goodness me, I am turning into a hormonal, nicotine-withdrawn, obsessive, blond female. Not fair...

So, how have I been since we last spoke? Mmm, not too bad. The BBC were coming to the office yesterday to do a clip for the video diary.

How excited was I? I was telling all my colleagues (yes, I was boasting a little, but then, why not?), getting everyone excited, taking bribes for people to be in the film clip, only kidding!

No, I was excited, as what better way is there to promote my company Anderson Dubock, than if the BBC come and film in my office in Guildford?

So, we waited, and waited. No sign of the cameras. The stress was really rather unbearable (and I did have rather a few hormonal moments).

Anyway, the long and the short of it, was that Leslie Grantham (bless him - so excited about him coming back!) was far more important than me and Anderson Dubock! The crew came out to see me at home. I had planned to go out for dinner to my favourite restaurant near my boyfriend's house in Kingswood called Boscoreale, as a real test of my will power in not to smoke.

I have to say that Mark (the devoted boyfriend) has been so supportive through this and only smoked ten cigarettes in the time we were there!!! No further comment.

Do you know, I was not even remotely tempted to smoke one of those gorgeously sexy Marlboro Lights. Wey hey, looks like I can go out again in public; Mine is a large gin and tonic!

Basically, life seems to be calming down again after the angst and excitement of being on television and giving up smoking after my 15 year relationship with the weed.

I am told that it is going to get harder and harder to stay off it. I do not think I will fail now. Maybe that's because I will be letting so many people down if I give in and smoke a cigarette, or maybe I really do want to give up rather than feeling I ought to.

Whatever the reason, it shows it is possible, and if anyone reading this is thinking about giving up but is frightened to take the plunge, take it from me, it is not as bad as you would convince yourself it is.

So, I promised a little less aggression today and I hope that is what you have got. Only two more days before I am cast aside and left to get on with this alone, so let's hope that Thursday and Friday produce something exciting.

Take care, Lindsay.

Tuesday September 23

Boy, will you be proud of me today. Up at 6am to go for a run! If I had not been there, I would never have believed it!

The poor dog does not know what has hit her - in fact she is so confused at me moving faster than a snails pace that she keeps bumping into me!!!

I have been jogging before, in a number of attempts to get fit, but would always stop en route for a quick smoke. Can you believe it?

At the time, I did not see anything wrong with that - now I am aghast at my addiction. What a nutter!

Only four days in and I am already becoming one of those outspoken reformed smokers that I have despised for the last 15 years

Second non-smoking day at work today. Is it getting easier? Well, as a head-hunter, I have to say that I do have quite a high pressure job, working with executive clients and candidates that, themselves, can be very stressed.

There are certainly key times in the day when I would smoke, generally before and after an important phone call or at high points of the day. Clinch a deal, smoke a cigarette, type of thing. What does one replace those precious smokes with?

I can see the 'smokers' out of the corner of my eye outside puffing away and it continues to be distracting - so, I think we can assume that no, it is not getting any easier!

My business partner, Alistair is certainly getting the blunt of my curt tongue. Poor old thing is poorly with the flu at the moment, so to put up with me and my short temper requires nothing less than saintly status.

He is still enjoying his cigarettes (outside of course) and smells absolutely horrendous when he walks back into the office. Oh no, only four days in and I am already becoming one of those outspoken reformed smokers that I have despised for the last 15 years!

Back to my senses

Speaking of sense of smell, well, it's coming back with a vengeance!! I have always put on two squirts of perfume in the morning before going to work.

Well, two squirts of Coco Chanel this morning and I have been choking myself all day... dammit.

I must have smelt like the inside of a seedy boudoir for the last decade, what with too much perfume and cigarette smoke on my clothes!!

Mind you at least the perfume is a nice enough smell. There are plenty of smells that have become beyond repulsive, but I shall spare you those for today!

On that note, I bid you good day, and see you again tomorrow, when hopefully I will be a little less aggressive!

Monday September 22

My question for the day today is, how do I stop myself from eating? This constant feeling of hunger is driving me absolutely bananas!!

Smokers are never particularly good eaters. Speaking for myself, I was keener on my next fag than I was to finish my meal, which was just fine for the waistline! Now, however, the tables have turned

It has been suggested that I chop up some raw carrot and celery in the morning, and when I get the urge to eat, or even to smoke, chomp on one of those.

Thank you for that suggestion, and forgive me if I do not use it. How can a bit of chopped carrot replace my beloved cigarettes?

Then, there is the chewing gum argument.

Well, I can see my jaw swelling already, before you know it, I will look like David Coulthard!! No, that is not the answer either. I am going to try plenty of water, fruit juice and the odd chocolate bar after all, I feel I deserve a little pat on the back now for all of my efforts!!

I have to admit, I have taken to running. I have always been a bit of a couch potato, or whatever the equivalent is that works for 12 hours a day, but running (well more of a jog/fast walk really!) seems to be giving me the buzz that I am looking for.

This may all change before you know it, but whilst it is there, I shall be making the most of it!

The Weekend

Well, I have made it to Monday morning, thankfully!!

What a roller coaster of a weekend it has been. From excitement and elation that I have continued to go without a cigarette, to utter loss, real loss of something - evidently the cigarettes.

At one stage, I actually felt like I was grieving, there was a gaping great hole inside me - not a craving at all, but real loss, as if someone had died. Sorry to be so morbid, but it was a very strange sensation. Lindsay Dubock

On a lighter note: I have discovered a fantastic reason for giving up smoking - the house has never been so clean!!!

In order to keep yourself from thinking about a cigarette, you need to keep yourself busy. If you are like me, there are many associative activities that go along with smoking (well all of my activities really, including the gym - but that is another story!).

Whenever I finish something, I smoke a cigarette.

Do the washing up, smoke a cigarette.

Tidy the bedroom, smoke a cigarette.

Come out of the supermarket, smoke a cigarette. Eat, smoke a cigarette.

Then, there are activities where you smoke whilst you are doing them - reading, working on the PC, gardening, driving, drinking, talking on the phone.

The list is endless.

Suddenly, cutting out the 20 -30 times a day when you light up a cigarette and the association with that, is simply hell. I am trying not to replace this loss with anything else, for fear of putting on too much weight, but the temptation to eat chocolate is pretty strong - ah to hell with it, why not!!

So, the long and the short of it, is that I have been grumpy, pseudo-menopausal, at times hysterical and certainly constantly irritating since Friday at 8.00! (Well at least my boyfriend may use these adjectives!!).

However, I am also very, very proud of myself!!

The trials of being a non-smoker eh!! See you tomorrow.

Friday September 19

So, I have been smoking for the best part of 15 years (longer, if the truth really be known!).

I started smoking at school. I use the term loosely as it was a case of being in the gang of Superking smokers behind the bike sheds.

Boy did we think we were cool!! Truly, that was probably at the age of 14 or 15.

I began to smoke seriously when I was 18, when I left home, and, other than on a six month break (where I put on over two stone) I have smoked at least 20 a day ever since.

In fact, it is rather hard to know how many I smoke a day as I buy my cigarettes by the 100 or 200 in cartons.

I have been talking about giving up for a long time now - but I always find a reason not too. Work is too stressful. I need to set a date. My boyfriend needs to give up with me. I don't want to put on weight. After this carton is smoked.

It has got to the stage that I am rather scared to even monitor, let alone admit, how many I actually smoke. I guess on some days, particularly the weekends, it could be as many as 40.

I guess my job does not help. As a head-hunter, I spend a great deal of my time under pressure. Nicotine goes with the caffeine and alcohol! I do travel rather a lot, and of course cigarettes are cheaper on the continent - another reason to smoke even more!!

Why do I want to give up?

To be honest, I have become embarrassed by it! It sounds a little strange, but I feel awkward asking people I am with if they mind me smoking.

I am uncomfortable smoking in restaurants as I feel it is unpleasant for the people around me.

It takes me longer to get over colds, I am getting wrinkles and my wardrobe constantly smells of stale smoke on my suits! What a disgusting habit!

I have been talking about giving up for a long time now - but I always find a reason not too.

Work is too stressful at the moment. I need to set a date in the future. My boyfriend needs to give up with me. I don't want to put on weight. After this carton is smoked.

I guess the phone call to come on BBC Breakfast was the incentive I needed, and the rest, as they say, is history. Or, perhaps I should save that line for two months down the road!