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Last Updated: Wednesday, 12 January, 2005, 08:03 GMT
The grieving after the tsunami
By Michelle Roberts
BBC News health reporter

Image of bodies recovered from the earthquake
Many of the dead will never be recovered
Most people know what it is like to lose a loved one.

But what about losing hundreds of friends and relatives, your home and your livelihood in the space of 20 minutes? How would you cope?

BBC News website spoke with bereavement counselling experts about helping the tsunami survivors piece their lives together again.

Don Macleod is a Kent psychologist with experience of post-disaster trauma and a member of the British Psychological Association.

Survival

He said there were a number of factors that made such large scale natural disaster a much more complex situation to deal with than other loss situations.

"It strikes indiscriminately across all walks of life. It's hard to fathom. People's lives have been put off course completely arbitrarily and without any warning.

"You have the travellers who have paid money and gone a considerable distance to enjoy themselves.
This kind of tragedy offends one of our basic beliefs, which is if you behave properly then the world will behave properly towards you.
Psychologist Don Macleod

"In the remnants of Christian morality that we have in this country, that itself is a hard concept to deal with. People can feel guilty about why they went to the country in the first place.

"The other issue is that it leads to a profound questioning about whether you have let someone down. Could I have warned someone not to go? Why did it happen to my relatives?

"This kind of tragedy offends one of our basic beliefs, which is if you behave properly then the world will behave properly towards you.

"Some people come to the opinion that they deserved it, that somehow fate had decided to punish them in this way.

"Some get survivor guilt and feel profoundly bad that they were not the ones to die when people they perceive a more worthy lost their lives," he said.

There are recognised stages of bereavement that people pass through with time.

Support

Mr Macleod said some people can get stuck in one of these phases.

"People can be frozen in the shock and disbelief stage. That phase is useful because it enables us to be able to behave competently and to do the things that need to be done. But we are not emotionally ourselves and our friendships and intimate relationships can suffer.

"Next, reality dawns and we become very emotional - angry, sad, tearful and depressed. It is important to be able to work through these emotions because you have to live with the knowledge for the rest of your life.

"Eventually, the person will be able to think about the event without becoming tearful.

At the moment, it's about survival and not grief.
Bridget Seager a bereavement support volunteer for Cruse

"Some people want to hold themselves in a state of grief out of respect for the loved one they have lost.

"Talking therapies and counselling can help."

Bridget Seager a bereavement support volunteer for Cruse who has been helping tsunami survivors returning to the UK, said: "Sometimes talking about it can be helpful, but at the very early stages because they are in such trauma it may be the last thing they want.

"At the moment it's about survival and not grief. How are they going to get the medicine, how are they going to get the food and how are they going to get through the night?

"It's practical and emotional support that they need - listening to their concerns and helping them locate the body of their loved one, for example.

"One family I met at the airport had lost a family member and they were in total denial and couldn't cope with it.

"When the body of their loved one was eventually found, they were so grateful they were almost joyous. It meant they could go ahead with the funeral.

Mr Macleod said not having seen the body can set back the grieving process.

"You can get what are called 'return fantasies', where the missing person will be found and reappear. It's almost irresistible to engage in that kind of hope."

Ms Seager said many of the survivors would likely suffer from trauma in the months and years to come.

"They might get vivid flashbacks and intense images or nightmares.

"Some of the survivors I worked with described being on the hill along with other survivors and periodically being woken through the night by people screaming because they thought another wave was going to come.

"Some may avoid the memory and keep busy because the pain is too great.

"Others may feel there is no point planning for the future.

"What is important is listening to them and accompanying them through what ever stage of grief they are going through.

"It's important that they know they are not alone."


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