THIS WORLD Retired Husband Syndrome Tx Date: 14th November 2006 10.00.00 This World Theme Music 10.00.06 Music 10.00.26 Paul Kenyon They’re here to escape what’s back home. Someone in the house they’d prefer to stay away from. A virtual stranger who does little but annoy. 10.00.37 Music 10.00.46 Paul Kenyon I’ve just got a quick question; would any of you like your husbands to be here today? 00.00.51 Ladies Noooo. 10.00.53 Music 10.00.56 Paul Kenyon Their husbands have retired and now they’re Japanese women of a certain age with a common problem. 10.01.07 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over I called it Retired Husband Syndrome. 10.01.11 Music 10.01.16 Paul Kenyon Tokyo; rush hour. It’s here the seeds of this new illness have been sewn. 10.01.21 Music 10.01.25 Paul Kenyon These are salary men meeting for supper of beer and barbecued meat. They’re white collar workers from the suburbs, leaving home before dawn and returning as late as public transport allows. 10.01.38 Music 10.01.43 Paul Kenyon But there appears to be a problem; take a look around you. Where are all the women? 10.01.51 Aston PAUL KENYON Traditionally their paths need seldom overlap; the women are shopping, cooking, enabling their husbands, often unquestioningly and obediently but for all these women around me there comes a point where one day they might not be able to take it any more. 10.02.05 Music 10.02.08 Title Page JAPAN Retired Husband Syndrome 10.02.11 Music 10.02.14 Paul Kenyon That day arrived recently for a woman living in a two room apartment in this block in Osaka. 10.02.19 Music 10.02.32 Aston TAKAKO TERAKAWA Voice over When I thought about my husband being at home I developed rashes on my body and had stomach ache. On occasion I would throw up after I had eaten. Sometimes just being in the same room as him made me physically sick. At night time, while he was sleeping I felt agitated and restless. Often I would have to drink a bottle of alcohol to calm myself down. 10.03.13 Paul Kenyon Before they were married there was no hint of what was to come. He’d been charming, talkative, outgoing but soon after the wedding he changed. 10.03.21 Music 10.03.23 Paul Kenyon Her husband was a salary man; rarely home. At first she felt abandoned but over the years adjusted to being alone. In fact, Mrs Terakawa began to prefer it that way and the symptoms were getting worse. 10.03.37 Music 10.03.44 Takako Terakawa Voice over I can’t wash our clothes together. First I wash mine and then I put his into the machine. I also dry our clothes separately. If he offers me something to eat that he’s touched I cannot eat it. Also, I cannot eat sitting opposite him. When we go out to eat, I can only bare sitting at the counter next to him. I just can’t face him. 10.04.23 Music 10.04.25 Paul Kenyon Mrs Terakawa grew up in sixties Japan, where marriage was about the ‘acquisition’ of a wife. For men they were a useful commodity, for breeding and looking after them when they returned home from work. These were the teenage years of a generation known as ‘well adjusted children’. 10.04.41 Music 10.04.49 Takako Terakawa Voice over Our generation was taught that once you get married you need to devote yourself to your husband. You will be in charge of cooking and raising children and you are expected to do anything your man asks of you. We were treated like our husbands’ belongings. 10.05.10 Music 10.05.12 Paul Kenyon As such it’s highly unusual for women of this generation to speak so openly about their marriage. 10.05.18 Music 10.05.21 Takako Terakawa Voice over When I had a bad day and couldn’t cope with my problems I kept thinking about going to the Sea of Forest. I had been thinking about suicide for a long time. 10.05.34 Takako Terakawa Voice over There is this forest in Japan at the foot of Mount Fuji. Once you enter it you can’t find your way out. It’s a very famous place for people who want to commit suicide. I feel this forest would be like an oasis for me. 10.05.54 Music 10.05.55 Paul Kenyon But she resisted its pull. 10.05.57 Music 10.06.00 Paul Kenyon And instead she came here, where others with similar symptoms were heading. It’s the surgery of a doctor who’d begun to notice a link between their symptoms and their husbands. He discovered ‘retired husband syndrome’. 10.06.22 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over Patients suffer from a frustrated feeling at the thought of being with their husband and the related stress results in many kinds of symptoms. 10.06.34 Aston Dr NOBUO KUROKAWA Voice over Depression is one of the symptoms. The illness has also physical symptoms such as stomach ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure. The illness will get worse. If the patient is suffering from depression she may commit suicide. High blood pressure can result in stroke or heart attack and can be fatal. In some case the stress can trigger cancer. 10.07.05 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over If the husband doesn’t try to understand the illness becomes incurable. 10.07.14 Paul Kenyon Dr Kurokawa would like to see a few husbands here too, but it hasn’t happened yet and he doesn’t expect it to. 10.07.30 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over Most of the men in these elderly couples still live within Japan’s tradition of male-dominance. These husbands order their wives around or restrict their life styles and this causes them to become ill. 10.07.47 Takako Terakawa Voice over I was raised in a way so that I couldn’t say ‘no’. I thought that if I just followed him, he would make me happy therefore I should endure it. 10.08.03 Paul Kenyon Dr Kurokawa advised her to avoid her husband. Not permanently, just until she has the courage to tell him he’s making her ill. She’s agreed we can be there when she does. In the meantime she is finding solace in her hobby. 10.08.16 Music 10.08.24 Takako Terakawa Voice over I started collecting these animals because I couldn’t hug my husband. Buying them every month relieves my stress. 10.08.40 Takako Terakawa Voice over This is my favourite. His name is Sakura Chan. I asked my friend to make a tiara for him. When I was in therapy I was told that I am like a maid. It was so frustrating because I wanted to become a princess. That’s why I had a tiara and a cape made for him. 10.09.08 Takako Terakawa Voice over These two are also favourites because they are perfectly matched. One is me and one is my husband. That’s what I imagined when I was buying them. I wish that one day my husband and I will become a perfect couple. 10.09.22 Music 10.09.31 Paul Kenyon I was surprised by how many young people had heard of Retired Husband Syndrome. It’s generated a national debate here. One reason it’s taken so seriously is because within ten years a quarter of this country will be over sixty-five. It’s fuelled by the highest life expectancy in the world; eighty-one years, that means twenty years to endure post retirement. 10.09.53 Music 10.10.01 Paul Kenyon The prospect was so painful for one woman living in this suburb of Tokyo she persuaded her husband to carry on working. She didn’t tell him it was because she was coming down with the syndrome. 10.10.14 Paul Kenyon Mrs Aoyama lives with her son’s family. Her husband works two hundred miles away. They only see each other once a month. 10.10.27 Aston YUKIE AOYAMA Voice over I was very concerned about what would happen when he retired and came home for good. I desperately hoped his retirement could be postponed. I realised we never communicate properly and we were strangers. What kind of life would a couple like us have after retirement? 10.10.50 Paul Kenyon She too had stomach pains every time he came home. She too has an unconventional pastime. 10.10.57 Music 10.10.59 Paul Kenyon Japan’s Robbie Williams; he’s called Kiyoshi Hikowa. 10.11.03 Music 10.11.05 Paul Kenyon Her collection has expanded as her husband’s final retirement date has neared. Now her whole diary is arranged round the singer’s public appearances. 10.11.13 Music 10.11.17 Paul Kenyon With divorce among this generation frowned upon, this is her escape. 10.11.21 Music/Mrs Aoyama singing 10.11.27 Paul Kenyon She didn’t strike me as the demure type but I hadn’t seen her with her husband. That was to come later. 10.11.32 Music/Mrs Aoyama singing 10.11.56 Yukie Aoyama Voice over During the worst moments I thought divorce would be a solution, but I only had a part time job, so I would not be able to make a living if I left him. 10.12.13 Music/Mrs Aoyama singing 10.12.22 Paul Kenyon Mrs Aoyama also sought help from a controversial figure; an author called Sayoko Nishida. I am not sure what her own husband did, but it’s made her quite exercised about retired Japanese men. 10.12.33 Music 10.12.38 Aston SAYOKO NISHIDA Voice over They’re like Bagworms. A bagworm is an insect cocooned comfortably in its shell made from leaves and dirt. It hangs from trees and swings in the wind. When I see men wrapped in blankets, sleeping comfortably and depending on their wives, I call them bagworms. 10.13.09 Paul Kenyon Her husband was anticipating life in ‘surippa’, comfortable Japanese slippers but she was having none of it. 10.13.15 Music 10.13.21 Sayoko Nishida Voice over When my husband retired, he declared his life was over. I thought; ‘no kidding’. In my case my life just begun. My books and my paintings started selling well. I had the time of my life. 10.13.46 Paul Kenyon Mrs Nishida dealt with her own husband so effectively she decided to set up workshops for other sufferers. She teaches women to train their husbands, a little like a handler trains a dog. But says that requires the women to change first. And despite her unflattering portrayal of retired husbands they’ve started coming as well. 10.14.05 Music 10.14.09 Paul Kenyon Mrs Nishida saved her own marriage and now the wife with the pop star obsession, Mrs Aoyama, is hoping she can do the same for her. 10.14.22 Yukie Aoyama Voice over Ms Nishida’s advice that you have to change yourself if you want your partner to change made a big impression on me, although at first I had a bit of a problem with this. Why should the wife change and not the husband? Gradually, as I talked to other women who felt like me, I accepted the idea. 10.14.44 Music 10.14.46 Paul Kenyon Now she has a plan; an unusual date with her husband. It’s booked in a few days time. She hopes it will improve their communication. 10.14.57 Paul Kenyon When was the last time you said ‘I love you’ to your husband? 10.15.06 Yukie Aoyama Voice over Last time I said ‘I love you’? It was so long ago that I don’t remember. I am sorry but I just do not remember. 10.15.22 Singing 10.15.26 Paul Kenyon Their married life was typical of Japan’s baby boomers. The sixties kids for whom the Beatles and free love were just a faint murmur. Many women secretly admired western feminists; their insistence on a marriage of equals and even more their courage to press the escape button if it wasn’t working. 10.15.46 Paul Kenyon But they couldn’t follow suit. Men, however, could pick and chose from a garden of delights. And what was wrong with a discrete affair so long as their wives had food on the table. Even now in the age of Retired Husband Syndrome divorce in this generation is largely the stuff of fiction. 10.16.07 Paul Kenyon I went to watch one of Japan’s most successful drama series with its writer. His latest plot has hit a nerve. It’s the day of the husband’s retirement and his wife has an announcement too. 10.16.21 Wife Subtitles There’s something I have been thinking about. Since you have retired, I would like to retire from being a house wife. I want to get a new life on my own. 10.16.35 Children Subtitles Mother! Stop it! Don’t say it now! 10.16.39 Husband Subtitle What does this mean? 10.16.42 Wife Subtitles I have never asked you for anything before. You always acted the way you wanted without asking my opinion. You always made me live according to your values. I have grown tired of that! From now on I want my freedom back. As of now, I want to live my life my way 10.17.15 Husband Subtitle If that’s what you say. 10.17.23 Aston HIROSHI HASHIMOTO Voice over As long as a man is working, his duty as a husband is fulfilled. This is an accepted view in Japan. That’s why divorce among older people comes as a complete surprise to men. 10.17.50 Music 10.17.51 Paul Kenyon But the TV show could be prescient. There’s a change in divorce law next year giving wives a share of their husband’s pension; until now they’ve often got nothing. Some suspect thousands of Japanese wives are waiting for the moment. But for most in the sixties generation, divorce is still taboo. 10.18.10 Music 10.18.13 Paul Kenyon Just outside Tokyo a young couple are about to marry in a theme church. Jesus has replaced Buddha for the occasion. 10.18.22 Music 10.18.25 Paul Kenyon It’s a part of a new trend of western style weddings for couples wanting to avoid marriages like their parents. 10.18.34 Paul Kenyon The groom’s mother and father took their vows thirty- seven years ago and now even sitting together is a bit of a strain. 10.18.46 Aston SHINOBU FUKASAWA Voice over I had many ideas about married life and what an ideal family should be like. He was behaving like a typical Japanese husband; the master of the house. I gradually realised that everything had to be done his way; domestic affairs, children’s education, whatever. 10.19.11 Wedding music 10.19.12 Speaker Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present to you Mr and Mrs Fukasawa. 10.19.20 Shinobu Fukasawa Voice over I wondered if this is what the relationship between wife and husband was all about. I had to put up with a lot, I felt smothered. I was gasping for air. 10.19.29 Wedding music 10.19.43 Paul Kenyon The father of the groom took me on a journey. Three hours from Tokyo to a secret hideaway near the slopes of Mount Fuji. 10.19.51 Music 10.19.54 Nobuo Fukasawa Voice over I worked for the same company as a salary man for forty- two years. I decided that after I retired I was going to live life the way I wanted. 10.20.05 Music 10.20.33 Aston NOBUO FUKASAWA Voice over I feel great about myself because as a salary man I have reached my retirement and got a pension. I am also a father; I feel proud of that. That’s why my wife understands me and my children respect their father. 10.21.09 Paul Kenyon His home is a ramshackle pre-teen adventure land. But there’s no sign of Mrs Fukasawa. 10.21.20 Nobuo Fukasawa Voice over I made the decision to buy this land on my own. I came and paid the money by myself. I feel very happy here. 10.21.30 Paul Kenyon The stars; so you sit here, drink beer and look at the stars with your friends. Yeah. 10.21.38 Music 10.21.51 Paul Kenyon It’s Saturday night and he’s invited friends from nearby chalets in the woods. It’s like he’s slammed his life into reverse, tuning in and dropping out forty years late. 10.22.01 Music 10.22.10 Paul Kenyon It strikes me that the only thing that he and his wife share is that both believe the best way of staying together is to live apart. 10.22.19 Music 10.22.34 Shinobu Fukasawa Voice over When my husband mentioned his plan that he would live in his own house in the mountains I felt almost as happy as the day we decided to get married. I felt at last that I would be free and I would lead life the way I liked. 10.22.48 Music 10.22.55 Nobuo Fukasawa Voice over Every morning I take my dogs for a walk. Then I eat alone, with a dog for company. If the weather is good I go paragliding or take a look at the tree house. If the weather is bad I do some wood carving. 10.23.29 Paul Kenyon Oh, that is very hot, yeah, yeah. Oh, so you can see Mount Fuji from here, fantastic. 10.23.43 Paul Kenyon But I mean essentially you’re living a single man’s life here, aren’t you? 10.23.49 Nobuo Fukasawa Voice over We are doing our own thing and that’s fine with both of us. Once a month I go to see my wife or she comes here. We now get on really well. 10.24.10 Music 10.24.14 Nobuo Fukasawa Voice over At the moment we’re both in a great shape so we can do as we please. But we might move in together again when one of us suffers poor health or is immobile. 10.24.28 Shinobu Fukasawa Voice over If he said he was coming back to live here, I’d be in trouble. I’d run away to the mountains myself. 10.24.34 Music 10.24.37 Paul Kenyon Seen from the west it looks like divorce in all but name. 10.24.40 Music 10.24.46 Shinobu Fukasawa Voice over We are not thinking about divorce. My husband comes from an old traditional family and I was told that in his household nobody gets a divorce. So I do not ask for one. 10.25.08 Music 10.25.11 Paul Kenyon It’s late afternoon in Kobe Harbour 10.25.13 Music 10.25.16 Paul Kenyon Today Mrs Terakawa doesn’t need her teddy bears; she’s waiting for her date. 10.25.21 Music 10.25.23 Paul Kenyon It’ll be the first time she’s been out with her husband for several years and she plans to tell him that he’s made her ill. And here he is; the salary man whose wife almost chose the suicide forest over him. It doesn’t start well; she quickly slips into deference mood. 10.25.40 Music 10.25.46 Paul Kenyon The plan is to repeat the evening cruise she took with him on their honeymoon. 10.25.50 Music 10.25.59 Paul Kenyon Retired Husband Syndrome is so commonplace in Japan that some of these cruises are advertised as part of the therapy. Mrs Terakawa still can’t face her husband when he eats; the thought’s too repellent. 10.26.12 Music 10.26.19 Paul Kenyon Her first challenge is simply to talk with him. 10.26.22 Music 10.26.36 Paul Kenyon The half way point; the Akashi Kaikyo bridge, the longest suspension bridge in the world and maybe a turning point in the evening. 10.26.45 Music 10.26.53 Paul Kenyon Her doctor’s told her that to end decades of marital oppression, Mrs Terakawa must have the courage to speak of things they’ve never discussed before and ultimately get him to acknowledge his behaviour. She feels the time has come. 10.27.08 Music 10.27.10 Takako Terakawa Subtitles Today I went to see a doctor. Do you think that therapy helps me to get better? Please, try to talk to me. 10.27.26 Kenji Terakawa Subtitles OK, I will speak. Maybe you are getting better. 10.27.32 Takako Terakawa Subtitles Do you know what has been my worst feeling? I wanted to commit suicide. 10.27.42 Kenji Terakawa Subtitle Is that right? I had no idea 10.27.48 Takako Terakawa Subtitles It was because of you. I need you to make more effort to communicate with me. 10.27.59 Music 10.28.13 Takako Terakawa Subtitles Do you know why I’ve been collecting… …so many stuffed animals? 10.28.24 Kenji Terakawa Subtitle I do not know. 10.28.27 Takako Terakawa Subtitles I adore them. I started collecting them… …when I was feeling very lonely. And I needed someone to hug. I could not bear the thought of being touched by you. Touching these animals calms me down. There are so many of them! 10.29.01 Kenji Terakawa Subtitle How many? 10.29.04 Takako Terakawa Subtitle About 400 I think. 10.29.06 Kenji Terakawa Subtitle That many? No! 10.29.08 Takako Terakawa Subtitle Do you think that I am mad? 10.29.11 Kenji Terakawa Subtitle I understand the situation. 10.29.14 Music 10.29.35 Paul Kenyon His willingness to engage with his wife encouraged me to talk to him as well. 10.29.40 Paul Kenyon What do you think it was that made your wife ill? 10.29.53 Aston KENJI TERAKAWA Voice over It’s difficult. But I think I am the one to be blamed. On many occasions because of my work I was not at home. I made her sad and lonely. 10.30.26 Paul Kenyon Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you for talking to us. 10.30.31 Paul Kenyon Her doctor’s advice seems to be working. But is it just a blip or is this the start of a new era in their marriage? 10.30.41 Music 10.31.11 Paul Kenyon There’s a temptation here to paint the husband as the villain in this situation but it’s not really that simple because they’ve also been obedient and deferential and unquestioning. Not to their wives but to the traditional Japanese work ethic, to that sort of role expected of an honourable Japanese man. 10.31.30 Music 10.31.42 Paul Kenyon Back in the Tokyo suburbs the wife with a passion for a Japanese pop star is waiting for a visitor. 10.31.48 Music 10.31.53 Paul Kenyon She only sees him once a month. 10.31.55 Music 10.32.00 Paul Kenyon He delayed his retirement on her insistence. For the last thirty years he’s led an exemplary baby boomer life. 10.32.17 Aston SEIKICHI AOYAMA Voice over We were taught that work is your first priority. All the housework, like raising children and protecting the family was the wife’s responsibility. Man goes out to work to provide the foundation for his family and to work for the nation as well. So the family took second place. This is how it was for our generation. 10.32.46 Paul Kenyon I expected him to be terse and difficult but he was prepared to discuss personal issues that many in the west wouldn’t. 10.32.53 Paul Kenyon When was the last time you said ‘I love you’ to your wife? 10.33.00 Seikichi Aoyama Voice over ‘I love you?’ I don’t remember. Our generation isn’t good at expressing feelings. We weren’t taught how to express our feelings. 10.33.13 Paul Kenyon If your wife chose to divorce you instead of doing all this hard work to try and save your marriage; how would you feel then? 10.33.29 Seikichi Aoyama Voice over I’ve never thought about it but I think I’d be in trouble. I’m getting old; the children have their own lives. If my wife asked me to live alone I’d fall apart; I’m not strong enough. 10.33.54 Music 10.33.56 Paul Kenyon Mrs Aoyama has also organised a date as part of her therapy. A baseball match, fair enough, but she’s not really into the game. It’s the man who’s opening the event that she’s come to see. 10.34.11 Paul Kenyon It’s Kiyoshi Hikowa; her all consuming infatuation. 10.34.21 Paul Kenyon I thought her husband would despair. 10.34.28 Seikichi Aoyama Voice over Kiyoshi made our communication stronger. As both of us get older I want to take care of my wife. In the future I’ll take her on trips. I haven’t had much chance to do it so far. Kiyoshi was a catalyst that made me stronger in that resolve. 10.34.53 Cheering 10.35.06 Seikichi Aoyama Voice over I decided to join her in supporting him. When I retire and come to live at home we’ll enjoy him together. 10.35.17 Paul Kenyon Kiyoshi, the pop star and now the marriage healer. The Aoyamas don’t stay to watch the match. 10.35.31 Music 10.35.33 Paul Kenyon It’s the day after the cruise. Mrs Terakawa is alone again; her husband’s at work but she’s in a buoyant mood. 10.35.41 Music 10.35.45 Takako Terakawa Voice over I enjoyed it very much. There were moments that reminded me of what happened in the past but I also felt that I saw a new man in my husband. I think it was our new beginning. It was like our second wedding. We went around lots of shops and had coffee and for the first time we could sit facing each other. 10.36.14 Paul Kenyon When we left you last night, did, did he link arms with you? Because I remember you saying that that’s what you wanted him to do. 10.36.24 Takako Terakawa Voice over No, we couldn’t link arms but I always used to walk behind him and last night we could walk side by side at the same pace. So I really enjoyed it. We kept talking about many things till midnight, for the first time in decades. 10.36.43 Paul Kenyon She hopes it’s the start of her recovery. And she’s still got time; it’s two years before her husband retires. 10.36.51 Music 10.36.53 Paul Kenyon Next year not only will there be a change in divorce law favouring wives, Japan will also see its largest wave yet of baby boomer retirees. These could be busy times for divorce courts but how many couples will part knowing they still love each other and are just unable to express it, unable to overcome the social conditioning of a generation. 10.37.14 Music 10.37.20 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over The baby boomers generation still believe in the culture of male dominance and women are still in a weak position, so the number of Retired Husband Syndrome sufferers will increase for some time. 10.37.33 Music 10.37.36 Paul Kenyon Dr Kurokawa is concerned that one day the pendulum may swing too far the other way. But then he is, of course, a product of the baby boomer generation himself. 10.37.46 Music 10.37.56 Dr Nobuo Kurokawa Voice over I foresee the emergence of a new syndrome among younger couples. I can see cases where a husband doesn’t want to go home because he becomes ill from being bullied by his domineering wife. 10.38.16 Music 10.38.18 Paul Kenyon But for now it’s the often bullied wives trying to devise creative new ways to avoid what’s waiting back home. For most it’s about beating Retired Husband Syndrome and keeping the husband. 10.38.30 End music Credits 10.38.33 Reporter PAUL KENYON Camera JOE TAYLOR Additional Camera IWATA KAZUTOMO Dubbing Mixer SCOTT MARSHALL Colourist BOYD NAGLE Online Editor ROD HUTSON Production Team DOLLY BURLES SUNNY DIMITRIADOU Production Co-ordinator NADIA BEGININ Production Manager JANE WILLEY Unit Manager SUSAN CRIGHTON Film Research BARRY PURKIS Research MAI NISHIYAMA Picture Editor GRAHAM TAYLOR Produced and Directed by EWA EWART 10.38.37 Voice over For more information on tonight’s programme or to view it again you can visit our web site on bbc dot co dot uk forward slash this world. If you’d like to be reminded about upcoming This World programmes, text ‘This World’ to 81010 to receive our free text alert service. 10.38.40 bbc.co.uk/thisworld Text THISWORLD to 81010 Your initial text to us costs no more than 15p 10.38.56 thisworld Editor KAREN O’CONNOR BBC © BBC MMVI 10.38.59 End BBC This World: Retired Husband Syndrome 1 1